If you let me fly, I fly

Hai guys, it's you boyfriend doge. Ya'll know what? I aint going to go with some complex title anymore since whatever I am writing is already off topic from the intended use of this "Season 2" page. So yea, if you don't like my new title, which is the most cliche title that I gave without any relation to whatsoever I am going to type, then you are free to fuck on.

It's been a while since I get onto this blog shit... But I decide to record my current memory so that my future self can look at the me writing this shit and be like "nani the fuck." So... what was I going to type again?... Oh, you asking why I still use the old blogging system and not using something like wordpress or... Wordpress? It's because this shit is less famous, and probably gonna die in far future, I can write what ever bullshit here and no one could trace his/her real identity. I honestly not expecting any of you guys to even know me though. I have multiple emails and multiple Facebook account and name and blah and fuck.

Let's go with something of the past. Sheldon. Been a while since I said that name. He was one of my "blood" who decided to ditch me over for some of his own paranoia thingy. He wrote me a damn letter saying that he wanted to end the friendship, but all I did was laughing while reading the letter. Damn it. Why the heck would he want to end a friendship that was over 8 years? Well I saw this Facebook post that says " if you are friends for 9 years," it will be forever. Maybe we were just 1 year lacking. Close, but eh. But seriously though, it's really weird to decide by himself that he want to end friendship. Now you ask me, what I did I do wrong? All I did was entering into the world of dating, that's all, and he decided to take it as "abandonment" and that I no longer wish to friend with him. It's hard to make things like how I wanted during those times. My parents were apeshitting about my college transfer, and leaving the GF that I just owned for several months. In the end, we spend more times apart than together. How sad. And oh, I didn't get to see that girl from my lab today. I think she had class conflict with the time of my lab or something or maybe just don't wanna see my horrifying face fir the 3 times in a row.

 Now then... I'm just lying on the floor and bored right now. Maybe I should just sleep. By the way, I think for those of you ghosts that are following my story, I'm getting better relationship with my parents after my home trip. That's all about it.

Thinking about darl, sometimes I wonder if God only wants us to be together for some time and then we should break and go seperate ways, but on the path that are pararell to each other (means we can still see each other). I mean, I was given so much great times that I grew up into a better person after meeting her. But if the teaching supposed to be good for me, why deprive me from meeting her physically? Sometimes I just wonder why, other than being a better person, I get into this relationship. What is the God planning? Hey God, what you the planning? To think about it, if worst had come to worst and that I have to break up, from my side atleast, I would still be life long friend with darl, and also we would go around the world as promised. But I got married with someone else, then I guess she has to bring someone as well, maybe new BF or something. But I still can't get the image that she is with someone else though. It's almost impossible for me. Just can't. But yea, that's what I beginning to wonder about. I really hoped that this LDR did not make her lost the chance of meeting a better person than me. I really honestly one someone to take good care of her; it was supposed to be me, but I can't. I can't even tell how long we are going to spend apart before getting to live together. I don't want that to make her even sadder. She never had the experience of thinking about life without someone she romantically love. When I was with the girl from the 1st blog, I questioned myself of how to live a life without her. But just take a good look at me now. Still alive and breathing. So yea... I really want her to be happy. But I really feel like I have been making her not happy that she should have been. It's already 3 years and 5 months anniversary, and the total time of this anniversary, divided by two, is not enough to count the amount of time we physically see each other. That is the sad truth I just got over the weeks. Why though.

I love to rant about shits here without having to relate this bullshit to the title. But still even though it is sinful, I wonder if I'm showing affection to that weird lab girl. I hope not because I don't want to create any drama, and also.... I'm fucking lazy to hook another girl. 
If you let me fly, I fly 

I honestly have no fucking idea why I even write this title. Can't I just write something simple and elt the fully retarded audience read my essay? All I can say, I gotta write an essay. And bythe fucking way, I noticed that the music is no longer playing in all my blogs.

And
A

Yadi yadi yadah complex title that meant to make you Google words for every blog posted...

Why in the name of bullshit would I always update my DAMN blog at the time where I supposed to sleep and wake up early like a good boy? Maybe it is just the hour where I can get to type my crappy updates over.

I honestly think that I should make a new blog honestly, since this blog supposed to only account the changes I experienced after getting into a relationship with that girl. How are we you ask? Normal. She's doing the intern she doesn't like and I'm failing my subjects because I don't fucking now myself. If I only could say one thing about my girl is that, I'm really hoping that she would do the job she likes in the future, or else the family I'm getting in the future will be full of anger and sadness. That's all about it that I wish my lover would change over the period of time in the future.

Currently I'm planning to go to a grad school, which requires 3 recommendation letters. 2 is ready, just need 1 more, and currently I'm trying to beg one of my professor to get me into her research lab. And yes, I'll be working in 2 different labs. I really hope that this goes well, and with that, I only have to worry about my GPA, personal letter and sex... I meant GRE exam.

Working in two damn labs and take excessive classes, am I mentally disabled? To be honest I do mentally act differently than other people, but yes. I decided to open my mind into working in 2 labs because I have a current lab mate that does the same thing. And let me tell you this one thing, if you are Joan, you better not read the following and make assumptions or blah.

So there s this one girl in my lab. I'm just gonna label her as J. So... What so special about this girl you ask? Oh, by the way, I already white font the following as I'm typing,. I literally cannot see what I'm typing loll. Oh I see the red line appearing out of no where, that means I am typing something and.... you know what, I don't even know why I'm not writing things in black first before highlighting everything into white. Sometimes I wonder why I even want to write this. But hey, I'm clearly not making any typos from just now, except the loll thing... the computer does not know what loll means... Back to the story. This girl, she's weird. when I say weird, I really meant that she is weird, in term of "good/unique" way?  When I refer a weird girl, I would meant that this person is unlike any other girls that I've met. For example, girls , as I know, would blow their nose quietly because they tend to keep their image good. But this girl does not. Maybe that's not so impressive loll, but for me that's something. This shows that she is one of those people who is not into caring about their appearance as much to others; hence they are not the "normal" girls you would see around. And you would ask me who are the examples of the people who I consider "weird" ? One of them is definitely you (if you are Joan). She is also interesting in a way that she does not do what many other people here would do, which is to go to a frat and drink till wasted. I actually thought that she would have visited the Greek Row atleast once, but when I asked her, she said never. Now that's something. Also what makes me think that she is interesting is that she likes to do things just because of curiosity. Let me clarify that statement, curiosity in terms of scientific way... not... ya. Like that other day, she recovered excess gels from the lab, she looked at me and said she wanted to throw it into liquid nitrogen. Now that's some behavior I rarely see around in my life. When I saw it, I also had the same idea of throwing it into the liquid nitrogen, just for the sake of lollz. But yea, we did it anyway and the result was quite off the prediction,as the gel literally made 3 different states after freezing. The states are jelly-semi jelly-iced. Apparently they can go into a semi-jelly state... which was really interesting for us. Other than that.... I'm also not too sure if she have many friends. I mean I have not known her for a long time (literally a few months and weeks, but the effective days (where I directly communicate with her) is less than 6 hours.). All goes fine and well, but what what she did today made me thought about something extraordinary. No , not those kind of extra ordinary, even though I don't know what you are thinking about, but she reminded me of the girl from the 1st blog. Oh by the way, the girl from the first blog is currently in Hong Kong and soon is transferring to Singapore... Nanyang I think? I don't remember since I don't remember. So what did she do to make me remember that god forsaken woman? She waited for me . Wait what?  I mean, by waiting for me makes me remember the past? Well... That girl (from the 1st blog) we used to walk together to after classes together to classes. She would wait by the door and look at me. It was.... something that I treasured strongly before. Eversince that woman, no body really waited me after classes and walk with me to any place any more.  What abotut Joan? She would run to her "cool kids" after classes and I would got o my super duper ultra mega tera giga cool friends. You know what, I'm suck in writing story right now because I really can't see what I have or have not typed yet. So before I create anymore goddamn confusion, basically after lab meeting yesterday, as I packed my stuff and head off, she was "maybe" waited for me to go out of the class, so that we can walk off together. Maybe that was not done intentionally, but that really made me think of the moments I had before. I know ya'll probably be sayin that she would not do the second time and let alone third, but it was just fun to remember the past ya? So you mother fucker should just shut your godman mouth and connect that with some anus of other people to make yourself be a better human centipede. I am quite free in typing these words because I literally can't see them. I can see many red lines now, but I'm not going to change them until I finish writin this fucking masterpiece. But yea... referring back to that girl., probably she already has someone and stuff or some life that I would not be able to join in. By that means she could be one of those "cool kids" which is not what I'm good at. I just want to be friend with her though, no more than that. A very interesting person to be friends with. But again... I don't know if being with friends itself is not going to be healthy for my currently relationship with my darl. Who knows I might fall like a retard with this person and stuff, since she is so unique and weird...and reminded me so much of the times when I first hang out with Joan. So many moments that were almost similar..... Kindda reminded me of what she did today. She couldn't open her soda can because she .... oh yea, she's a fingernail nibbler (people who bites their fingernails you dimwit). That's why she couldn't open her can soda. But I kind of not convinced that her fingernail was the problem because I trimmed mine the other day and I could still open the can easily. Maybe she was trying to open it from another angle or something. And what's funny is that she sits like a slav roadster and drink her soda infront of the lab loll ( no drinking in lab).  If you don't know, Slav roadster squats basically... keep updated in your memes boy.  Kindda cute as well when she waves her hand at me while drinking outside of the lab whenever I look at ther. Who could not smile looking at someone squatting outside the lab drinking ? WTF. I literally wrote so much that all I could see from this blog thing is just empty spaces and some floaty red lines. Oh, just for memory keeping here, on Sunday, she was here (in lab) with me and offered me a drive home. Before that we went for grocery shopping and..... yadi yadi yadah complex title that meant to make you Google words for every blog posted. And darl,if you wonder why I never tell you this, is because when I was trying to tell you, you changed topic, so i dropped topic also. You were taking about how you had a nightmare about this story where the dinner (prom or something?), I was with other girl, and you were holding hands with a girl. I said that "you dream may want to tell you something," when I was beginning to share the story, you putus the topic and change with the trip that you wanna go in around Malaysia. Don't marah me cuz these things happened just today. 

That's all folk. I gotta fucking sleep now, or else I would be sick and sick and not happy. Oh by the way guys, if you don't make your Zebrafish sex often, they would get sad and not sex in the future. Learned that from my professor today.

Yadi yadi yadah complex title that meant to make you Google words for every blog posted...

Intermission in Opera?

Dear whoever is even reading or following is blog, though I do not think of any creature in this world that would even care about this beautiful blog.

It's been a while since I have written anything on this blog. It's like my life has departed from writing down what ever I feel to just ignore them. But for the purpose of this blog, I'll keep to the topic of my lover.

Everything went good so far, after the 1.5 years of college, I manage to get a ticket and get back home to see her. It was one of the happiest day of my life when I get to surprise her of my coming. I was in Malaysia/Indonesia for only 2 months. My mother, especially, wanted me to get back here faster as she deemed "better." I could actually stay longer (like days more) but she insisted me of going back fast. Sometimes everything she said defies all my logic. Aside that though, I think I managed to show my parents a little more better bond compared to the last time when they first left me here in Seattle. Now, atleast there are calls once a week, unlike previously in college where there would be a month of or 3 of no calls. I really want them to believe that I can live by myself, and what I am now is the product of their teaching. Sometimes I do feel a little tension-ed because mother always seem to say how much she feel like helping me out to live here. I honestly appreciate the feeling, but I also do not want that to happen. I want to live where I can realize how useless I am, therefore I could learn. My mentality maybe partially retarded, but I hate when people straight assume that I cannot do things by myself, or pitying me when I am in my stressful times. I don't mind being guided, but I do not tolerate if someone helped me out because they think I'm no good by myself.

This all reminded me of a guy that I met back in my college. He was a handicap from hip down to toes. When someone opened the door for him, he doesn't smile nor say anything. But when he helped to hold/open the door, he smiled brightly. The question is, why does he smile when he helped, instead of when being helped?

Is it wrong to constantly help a handicap person 24/7?

Not everyone are the same, but I do hope ya'll get my hypothesis clear.

Back to things...

It's been nearly 6 months again ever since I saw my lover. It went by quite fast and weirdly smooth. I recalled the day I left this city for home... It was smokey from the Canadian forest fire, and I was really reluctant to go back home. I honestly did not want to go back at all... I only went back because I didn't want to upset my lover due to the promise I made to make her calmed down before I left ( I actually hoped that she would have forgotten about that promise). When my friend drove me down pass the city, I really had the feel of not wanting to leave at all. When I flew from here to SF, I could not stop being stressed of going back home at all. I cannot emphasize this enough, I really did not want to go back. But when I arrived back here after the trip, after my friend drove me close to the city, I have only one thing in my head, I don't want to be here. When I arrived at my friend's house, I cried a little and wished time would go faster. That, however, only happened for 3 days. After that I was back to the feeling of not wishing to move out again. Funny me.

By the way, I did move into the university that I have always wanted to get into ever since 2 months before its application due date. I remember writing how much of a leader I am, how much I adore the university, how much I love their program... when I never even ever stepped into the campus yet. The only time I visited the campus was when I got accepted and I had to clear up some immigration things. Currently I'm in my 2nd quarter here and everything sucked as I did not get 4.0 yet, mostly were 3.8-3.9s. But guess what, I got into a lab, working with some unique mechanisms of the cell when growing. I really liked the lab and I pray to all Gods that my mentor won't fire me.

That's all to it mostly, but I do plan to make a new blog chapter, since this one was actually mainly about the change I had when I get into relationship with my lover. Maybe I'll write up something here again if I see any thing related to the change in me as I'm progressing with my lover. But of course I may continue to write up bullshits since I forgot how to link blogs to blogs.

Intermission in Opera? 

Stereotype

It's been awhile in the last entry. Relationship so far still good with nothing bad in between us. But that is only when me , her and others except for my parents, uncles, aunties see it.

I have finished my A level, but my results are yet out.  (I'm pretty sure I did bad this time.)I have a choice to enter in September or December.Took me awhile and I chose to enter my college in the end of this year which is december. Everyone was okay with it, and everything went perfectly until my parents start talking about it again. Like, why so long? Why do you need such a long break? 3 months is more than enough,but why until 6? That day when they told me to choose, I have made up my mind about the negative and positive sides about it and I have decided that it will be on december that I will be going to USA to continue my studies. They are not happy with my choice after a month or two and start asking me again. I really get pissed of with that. I mean, I made my choice already and changing my choice is hardly my style. They call me immature for not thinking about the future. I was all like.... it's not like I don't want to continue my studies. It's just I postponed it by another 3 month. Is that 'not thinking about the future'? They said it's because of my girlfriend I don't want to go earlier. But it was all my choice, not hers. They always randomly say things without having any proves. My parents really can't find happiness in everything. What they see is just the bad sides, no good sides. I believe that taking another 3 more month is not going to kill me, making me more stupid, ruining my future and so on. I just taking this to relax of awhile. But the thing is, my family is a very stereotypical type of Chinese parents. They think like, studies must be done first, if not, no such shit as relax. They even told me to relax and enjoy after studies. When they said that, I thought of something. Who promises me that I can relax after studies? I must get a job, if not, how to relax? Even after getting a job, how to relax? We have tonnes of work to do and even on our free time, works will still be going on. And I have to do my job well so I can stay working in whatsoever place I work. I can find happiness in my work, but the feeling of being empty headed will never come back anymore. It's like, now is the only time I have. Saying that I'm lazy? I'm just being happy. If in future I'm not going to be happy as much, then now is the time. In my life, happiness is my goal in every single part of my life. It does not appear in the end where I finish my work and enjoy pension, it is not when I work, it is not when I'm studying in my high school. It is everywhere, every single one of them. My goal and others is not really the same, and that's why they say things about me. We don't think the same as well, and therefore they say bad things about me. I'm just doing what I think is correct. If it is wrong, then so be it. There is no such thing as correct and wrong choices. We don't know what the outcome will be. And yet people always say I choose the wrong options ( not refering to quizzes or exams). Get what I mean? I'am me and you are yourself. If it is true that life is only once, then go ahead and do things that you believe in, as long as it doesn't cause any pain to anyone.

Talk about my relationship and my parents. What they think of relationship is far different from how I see it. They said 'Get girlfriend only after studies'. I really get pissed of from that. Right now, I have the chance to straight away have a girlfriend without having to wait for one when working. I understand that they are worried and they scared that I can't do well for my studies if I have a girl.My fear in life is being alone without anyone other than family member loves me. So I actually do put a huge bet on me being till the end with my current girl. I see she have the potential to stay long because she isn't like a typical girl who demand many things. Also we always talk about what we don't like from one another and fix it.Back to my parents. The reason that they think differently, is because I'm a 'retarded' person. My retarded means: 

1) Acting like a kid

2) Always laugh at things

3) Acting like an idiot

4) Immature

5) Do something people don't see it around

Talk about acting like a child. Who says I can't? Who says that 19 years old person must be acting like a real man that goes to gym everyday and does manly stuff. I am who I am. People say acting like a kid would never bring them anywhere. But look at me. At least my high school results only have 1 B, others A, compare to the 'manly' people on my class who even scored an F. A freaking FAIL. Does it mean by acting like a kid means being dumb and things? Think about it again.

I love laughing at things. Laughing makes us better.I laugh at my stuffs, except the things that I cannot laughed at. Does it mean that when I grow up, I must not laugh as much anymore? Why I laugh to begin with? Why laughing so much? My type of person is to always find joy in everything. What type of life if you can't find joy in things? Why can't we smile more in our life? I'm pretty sure the way they think is like 'He laugh alot, like some crazy kid, I can't let him be in the society. He is not mature enough.' I'm pretty sure many people thinks like that as well. What about you? Do they call you crazy when you laugh? Do they insult you? Ignore them. Those people are just souls trapped in a body that doesn't know how to find happiness in everything.

Acting like an idiot is like me giving weird faces to people, weird sounds and weird acts. I only do that to the people I'm confortable with. People who does that tend to make others think that they are abnormal. But from what I see, those people who are being called abnormal, sees the person who said that to them as abnormal as well. Like me, if you insult me and tell me what being normal means, I'll see you as abnormal.

To think about it. Is there such thing as 'normal'? Normal as what I see is, what majority of the society today does and have.  And if they see people who are unlike them, they'll call them 'abnormal'. Let's say we group up the 'retarded' people together and 'normal' people together. They'll definitely argue about being normal. Let's call the normal people the 'hipsters'. The 'retards' can say 'You calling taking selfies as normal?' while the 'hipsters' can say 'You saying laughing out loud all the time is normal?' 

As you can see here. No one is normal. Everyone is unique. You may find one person that looks and does almost excatly like you do. But I tell you, that person is not 100% like you. 

My parents always compare me with others. I always feel like a failure, like always being compared. Are they never satisfied with me? I pull up my results from F-E-D-C to A in just a year, and they still want me to be like others. I know they want me to be better, but I'm pretty sure comparing me will not work as what it may seem like to other children. If I score bad, they compare me with the good grades. When I have worked hard to aim for the best, they compare me with another new stuffs. Things just go on and on and on. I am not the person who is being compared to. I'm just me, not them. They can do whatever great things, but I will never be them. So what is the use of comparing? To parents that read this, do you compare your child to another child? If yes, just stop. They may sound that they listen to you, but in actual fact, you are degrading the trust in them-self and sooner later, they may become a kid that doesn't even give a single fuck about their future.

Immature. My mother always call me immature, just because I did the above. For me not to go university earlier if you remember

26th June 2016

Hello darl. It's been a few days since I happy happy. Today many bad stuff happened to me. For example, I got lost when trying to find Target, and also I missed many buses. But since these days we happy happy skyped, I actually feel to sadness nor anger. All I did was laugh normally and told myself better up next time, just like what I would do if you are next to me.

So then... We discussed about vaping today... You did get me right at non-containing nicotine vape. But... how are you going to try? Is there any girl friends that you know vapes? Do you accept vape by other guys? :/ I'm not very happy when that happens... Other thing is... I told you that if you do, I'll do as well. And if mine contains nicotine.... I might die darl. Also... Like I said... What if our children see? I don't want our family to be the smokey smokey type actually. Later they start to some cigaratte and waste money on those.... I really don't want our children to be like that darl.. :( Like my whole father side lineage, none of them smokes (even drinks). I just feel not happy to break that trend.... Not to mention that you REALLY DON'T suit doing these kind of things. It's really.... frustrating in a way for me to see you do such thing. I know is harmless... but it's really... not cool. Imagine I'm doing something harmless to my body, but the action itself is not cool... What would you feel?

You always say me that if you get the opportunity, then you get, eventhough I against. I don't get it darl.... Why? Why can't you just don't do it for me. Done. I always do that you know? What ever you don't like me doing, I always change without you telling me to. Do you feel is right to actually do something that I don't like you doing? Does it really not affect you? Let's say if I have a trip to Mexico and you tell me you are not happy with it because it is dangerous, I'll definitely decline the trip. Why? Is it love? Well, it's because when I know I'm doing something that the people I love not happy me doing, I would not enjoy it at all. It just hurts for me to continue doing something that would not make my people happy, eventhough I have the permission to. Even if you allow me to go for a dangerous trip, I'll decline the trip until you feel relaxed and happy about it. If you are not going to be happy, then I'll just drop the case. It's easy for me to sacrifice any thing for you. What about you? I don't doubt you or anything. I just feel so...indifferent? I really don't get why you would continue doing something even though I told you I'm not happy about it. I know you like to try new stuff... But... Is it worth my sadness? In this matter, even if I allow, I'll always be not happy inside, no matter how much you debate or discuss with me. These kind of thing is a COMPLETE FULLS STOP. Please darl... I know it doesn't harm you, but IT CAN harm me and my future dreams, as well as the view I have on you....

Well... In relationship, you should understand that sometimes you have to drop some of your bucketlist stuff and dreams for your lover in order to have a stable relationship ESPECIALLY long distance. If I'm next to you,  the chances of allowing you to vape is actually higher because I'm there with you. So darl... in the end is your choice... I'm not sure I'm being childish or what... It's just what I really wanna say you know? One thing, if you ever do and put it as a secret for yourself, I'll really hate you for that. We are together as one, if you dare to put something to separate that 'one' I'll really.... will be very disappointed in you. I trust that you don't put any secrets between us oke? And your choice to vape is depending on yourself, but please don't always expect me to go your way. I'll always follow your decision, but in these kind of matter, no.

Love you.

21st June 2016

Well... hello darl. Nothing much to say... Just, I'm not in that very good mood though.

These days we skyped less cause you were busy. I'm fine with that actually, but I feel darl doesn't show me much affection as before.

I'm having my 2 weeks holiday now and I've been waiting for this moment to skype you as much as we can without having to look at the clock every single minute. Did you know? When I Skyped you during school days, I always cannot put my skype on fullscreen? I do that because I  always watch the clock at my taskbar so I won't be late for class. It is not comfortable to not skype you in fullscreen you know that?  But now when we can, darl ish busy. Not your fault tho... I'm just saying cause you know how much I hate when things I planned doesn't really work out.

Today, you told me first thing in the morning that you want to relax and told me to wait another 30 min. I was like.... is it.... not relaxing for you to skype me? I really donno though. You told me that you ish lazy to go and move around? (from your room to living room) that's why you wanna relax by watching youtube in your room? You told me something like that. You know? This may sound bad, but.... I actually never wanted to skype you in the morning. Now now, don't get alll worked up ye? I have reasons behind everything. It's just.... everytime I wake up at 8 in the morning, I really wish I could just not open my tired eyes you know? It's really pain for me to wake up by my alarm and text you and check your availability. Sometimes when you don't reply fast or messages got only 1 tick, I had to quickly move my legs down the floor and walk to computer eventhough I hate it. Try one day.... no no no. A  MONTH, wake up at 8 just to skype me. You'll feel the pain. So much pain that Skyping < Sleeping. But I always have to fight my sleepy side just to see you. My one and only motivation to wake up early and being tired everyday is the hope that darl would cheer me up. But truth to be told, it's not always guaranteed that you'll always make me happy. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes I sads because of what you expect me to be. I can't be very talkative all the time darl... So sometimes you've gotta be the one that talks alot in the convo... Every morning I always put the bet on you making me happy, you know that? So now you know.... how to ruin my day and make me sien of skyping you in the morning. You may have the want to relax at that time, but just to tell you, every morning I have to fight that similar feelings just to see you.

Darl said tomorrow you gonna go Malacca. I was sad. You know why? I wanted to have a fun and proper Skype with you. Most of these days, you browse browse stuff while skyping me, making me speechless. Even sometimes when I talk to you, halfway you just cut me off and go do something else. That's why today you said I ish quiet. I am tired darl. I am tired in the morning, and become more tired because when I use my morning energy to wake up and set up computer, and talk to you, you don't seem to appreciate it. Right now I'm kidda saying that it's your fault, but if it is really my fault to be quiet, please tell me, I would love to settle this problem in anyway peaceful. I'm that kind of person who would let the people I love to put the blame on me, so that problem solved faster. But sometimes I do fear that one person would think that it's always my fault in the end. And I'm afraid that you'll be that person. I'm really not good in saying who's right and who's wrong you know.... especially towards the people I love. It feels bad to say they wrong... because in the end I would exaggerate it and make them feel worst. In addition to the problems we have, you don;t remember this but, I asked you "Where you know?" 3 times and you did not answer my question. You were busy with your going Malacca group.... I find it weird le... Because for me, I respect every thing someone said/typed and I would go scroll up to check if missed anything. Other reason why I learned to respect what people text me is also because I rarely get any text. I appreciate any words that are given to me. If someone give me lots of questions in separate speech bubbles or in one big speech bubble, I would read everything and make sure I answered everything. In order to ask someone a question, a trust is given. Why would you ask questions to someone who won't answer? Haih. This happened before when you told me you only answer my last question. Until now, when I want to ask you questions, I prefer to ask you one by one, which I find it sien. I mean it is easier to I ask you in one go, and you answer me in one go. That's all....

Back to what happened... Even when you chat other groups or other people, if you gonna switch convo back to me, won't you see the notification that I replied you? I don't know you, but I do see that. When I switch back from different convos, even if I want to repost something to you, I would still check what you said or ask, and reply them all before I repost or start a new topic; so that I can still read what you typed. That's what you do as well, I asked you stuff, you repost me something from other convo, and usually you ignored what I typed above and start new stuff. Haih. Maybe that's the reason why I hate to text you while you text others.


Today you told me you going Malacca and you noticed that I said something dodgy and followed by a "ttyl". You told me that I'm being secretive, but I denied. The truth is, I am not feeling happy right now. I'm not happy with everything right now. Even your half day trip to Malacca. Because of those things that are happening between us, I actually wanted to isolate myself. I didn't want to tell you that straight cause later you no mood. Then is all my fault again. Sometimes I felt like I'm restrained to tell you some truth about what I feel. In the end you no mood, then it's my fault.... You know what? Yes, I am tired of thing right now. So... love you lots. Nights.

No Escape

The room is quiet still, almost as if I’m in a horror movie waiting for a jump scare. The world that I’m living in right now used to be what I wanted, freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want because my parents aren’t here telling me what to do. You might see me as a kid that goes against every parent’s words, but does it matter? I have been chained down by parent’s rules ever since 1996, and it’s been 19 years since then. There’s a point where little chicks are going to learn to fly and survive by their own. And this is absolutely my time. Some people at my age do experience such stage, and others don’t Everyone have their own stages of growing up, not to care about their race nor citizenship. I guess that’s what makes us human.

I lived most of my puberty age in Malaysia. It is rather an interesting country with many races living together, but not really in harmony. Racism and corruption seems to go everywhere, but does not devastate its country as much as Indonesia. Most of my life in Malaysia doesn’t go much with happiness, more to intense experience that I can learn from. Some people life happily without much intense experience, some others have the complete opposite. It is interesting how every single human on earth are not equal to others and are born with not much luck as others too. Some people are born with ‘luck’, for example money. Money, if you ask me, is a shitty system created by humans to create even more imbalance between one another. Why is it that this world wants to live on with money, rather than a ‘hardworking’ system? Many people are hardworking, but aren’t as successful as others, whereas on the other hand, there are many lazy and less hardworking than others, yet they can make much more money than others.

I have noticed these imbalances when I was in first grade high school, and I knew I have to be smarter to live on this planet.  From there, I have to live though heaven and hell in order to balance myself. I know how it feels to be both smarter and others, and less intelligent than some. I believe everyone should go through this process, so they wouldn’t turn a blind eye on people who are not as successful as they are.

For years I understand about this life’s crap, but I began to doubt if my life is pretty much useless. In the end everything leads to dead end. Wishing for world peace? They will never go away. Why is it that war never end? All I know, it is human nature. We are born to be territorial and dominance. If we want someone to listen to you, the easiest way is to beat the crap out of them. Same goes to war, you want that country to follow your laws and orders? You have war with them, that’s all to it.

That is the life I realized I’m living in, not to mention the life that I’m experienced during high school isn’t so great as well. Love always hits me like a bullet train. It was so fast that I didn’t know I was in it. Why do guys fell in love easier than girls? But that’s not the problem here, the main problem was when you are out of control and start to flirt with girls wrongly, which only going to make your progress back to zero.

I honestly always thought I cannot find any girls that would love me. Without having anyone to love, I believe I can’t cope with the harsh world I’m living in. And for years, I didn’t find any one that is perfect for me. Does the perfect girl I’m having in my mind exists? Am I going to meet her one day? Can I even get her to begin with? That’s what have been bugging me for years.

All those worries fade away in the year 2014. I was always in this one dark room for years, until this girl name Joan came to my room and start opening the curtains, letting in the lights of hope. The light was blinding me of course, but sooner later, I find it beautiful. It was the happiest moment of my life. In year 2015, both of us learned to love each other deeply and as well as trust. From there, I get my feet back on the ground and start to look at this world brighter. Sometimes I ignore the facts about how bad the world we are living in. The love that we have until today answers my question if love can help me live in this world better. It is definitely true.

During the time of our life together, we had to separate for a while because I have to continue my studies in the United States, whereas she still stays in Malaysia to further her studies. It was painful to go, but no can do to stop my studies in the states. I imagined my life here to be full of friends like how it used to be in Malaysia. But things don’t seem to welcome me the same way as I thought. Americans are nice, but some people from mainland China, Hong Kong and other Asian countries are not as welcoming. They always stick in their group and uses their own language as if that it is their one and only life support. I really felt left out by others, which makes me extremely alone here. No one to go out with, no one to spend time with, no one at all. I always stay at home and chat with my girl thought Skype. She supports me mentally which definitely helps me a lot. But over time….. I felt more lonely being with her.

She has a lot of friends there in her new university which makes me feel unhappy about it. I feel both happy and jealous when someone I love just have better life than mine. I always feel that I want her to experience what I experience right now, but of course in a way I don’t want that to happen. It is impossible for me to tell her that I want her to be alone as well. She’s mentally weaker in terms of being alone than me, she really needs someone to be with her. Don’t get me wrong, I want friends as well. It’s that just I can stand being alone much more than her.

Spending time with her through text is not easy. Even though I hate the feeling of weights hooked on my eyelids that tells me to sleep, I always have to wake up 6:30 in the morning just to text her during her night. Sometimes she replies me fast, but most days now, she replied my very slow. My eyes have to carry the weight every morning for me to text her. It is really frustrating sometimes that she doesn’t reply me fast, making me stare at the bright, sun like phone screen waiting for her replies. Put aside morning texts, it hurts me slightly when she doesn’t tell me where she’s going. I hate to hear that she’s suddenly busy with people I don’t know and suddenly go to places without telling me. I felt like I’m not following her life anymore, which just depress me even more. Sometimes I even felt like she goes on her life and had forgotten me. These days I’m really dependent on her, if I don’t chat her long, I don’t have motivation to do anything.  I understand that she has exam, so sometimes I put the feels aside, but having exam doesn’t mean she not tell me her plans outing, especially with guys. I’m extremely easy to get jealous when it comes to her. I wonder if she does take in account of my feelings when she goes out with guys only.

In addition to slower reply on morning and losing her plan, she always did something I hate to see. Going out with bunch of guys. No matter how I see or don’t see it, I always find that disgusting. For her case however, all her female friends are extremely girly, which makes her feel that she had been pushed to the side by them. I understand that, but I’m still not happy imagining my love going out with bunch of guys. I never will ever like it.

I really hate it every time I think about these problems. Does she feel bad going out with bunch of guys when I don’t like it? For me, if I were her, I DO. Not need to mention if she’s okay or not with me going out with bunch of girls, I’m still not going to hang out with girls. It just doesn’t add up for me. I have her, I ain’t going out with girls. I feel I have a dignity to hold, whereas for her, I do not know. Sometimes I really want her to understand how I feel when she hangs out with guys only. Now, What triggered me to write this long boring and uninteresting essay is because she’s going to go for an quite a high price event called UTAR BALL 2016, that event held in a beach resort, and she’s going out with a guy. She told me that this event targets couples, and there’s of course a couple pricing. They are going to do a lot of fun activity such as water activities, horse riding and ATV, as well as overnight one day at the resort. I’m not filled with information such as, if she’s living together with the guy friend or going to dance with him. No matter what reason it is or if the lord comes back for his second coming just to tell me that I must let her go, if she’s going to dance, stay with the guy in same room or doing any activity that requires the guy to hold or hug her, IT IS A NO, let me be even more clear, it is an ‘A’ to the DAMN ‘NO’. I know her motivation is just for friends, but for me on the other hand, I’m not happy no matter what. If I tell her now that I don’t like her going out with guys, the only reply I might get is, ‘Who should I friend now then?’. She has female friends, but always busy, leaving her alone with the guys. It is practically, a no way out…. Doesn’t it sound familiar? Just like war and imbalances of life, there’s no way out as well.  Or maybe... There’s no way out from it to begin with? No help, no 9-1-1, no rescuer to this life of ours from imbalanceness. She has her happy life right now and that I can’t change. I’m stuck here now, no way out, no ways to feel better, not going to feel free from stress, even if it means being with her.

Leaf being blown by the wind, it sways in the air, ignoring how far it is blown away from its parent tree. It has no fear of heights nor distances, as it doesn’t have any one restricting it. Let the cold breeze take me anywhere the sky, blow me to which every direction this world offers. Take me anywhere, as there’s no escape.