The room is quiet still, almost as if I’m in a horror movie
waiting for a jump scare. The world that I’m living in right now used to be
what I wanted, freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want because my parents aren’t
here telling me what to do. You might see me as a kid that goes against every
parent’s words, but does it matter? I have been chained down by parent’s rules
ever since 1996, and it’s been 19 years since then. There’s a point where
little chicks are going to learn to fly and survive by their own. And this is
absolutely my time. Some people at my age do experience such stage, and others
don’t Everyone have their own stages of growing up, not to care about their
race nor citizenship. I guess that’s what makes us human.
I lived most of my puberty age in Malaysia. It is rather an
interesting country with many races living together, but not really in harmony.
Racism and corruption seems to go everywhere, but does not devastate its
country as much as Indonesia. Most of my life in Malaysia doesn’t go much with
happiness, more to intense experience that I can learn from. Some people life
happily without much intense experience, some others have the complete opposite.
It is interesting how every single human on earth are not equal to others and
are born with not much luck as others too. Some people are born with ‘luck’,
for example money. Money, if you ask me, is a shitty system created by humans
to create even more imbalance between one another. Why is it that this world
wants to live on with money, rather than a ‘hardworking’ system? Many people
are hardworking, but aren’t as successful as others, whereas on the other hand,
there are many lazy and less hardworking than others, yet they can make much
more money than others.
I have noticed these imbalances when I was in first grade
high school, and I knew I have to be smarter to live on this planet. From there, I have to live though heaven and
hell in order to balance myself. I know how it feels to be both smarter and
others, and less intelligent than some. I believe everyone should go through
this process, so they wouldn’t turn a blind eye on people who are not as
successful as they are.
For years I understand about this life’s crap, but I began
to doubt if my life is pretty much useless. In the end everything leads to dead
end. Wishing for world peace? They will never go away. Why is it that war never
end? All I know, it is human nature. We are born to be territorial and dominance.
If we want someone to listen to you, the easiest way is to beat the crap out of
them. Same goes to war, you want that country to follow your laws and orders?
You have war with them, that’s all to it.
That is the life I realized I’m living in, not to mention
the life that I’m experienced during high school isn’t so great as well. Love
always hits me like a bullet train. It was so fast that I didn’t know I was in
it. Why do guys fell in love easier than girls? But that’s not the problem here,
the main problem was when you are out of control and start to flirt with girls
wrongly, which only going to make your progress back to zero.
I honestly always thought I cannot find any girls that would
love me. Without having anyone to love, I believe I can’t cope with the harsh
world I’m living in. And for years, I didn’t find any one that is perfect for
me. Does the perfect girl I’m having in my mind exists? Am I going to meet her
one day? Can I even get her to begin with? That’s what have been bugging me for
years.
All those worries fade away in the year 2014. I was always
in this one dark room for years, until this girl name Joan came to my room and
start opening the curtains, letting in the lights of hope. The light was
blinding me of course, but sooner later, I find it beautiful. It was the
happiest moment of my life. In year 2015, both of us learned to love each other
deeply and as well as trust. From there, I get my feet back on the ground and
start to look at this world brighter. Sometimes I ignore the facts about how
bad the world we are living in. The love that we have until today answers my
question if love can help me live in this world better. It is definitely true.
During the time of our life together, we had to separate for
a while because I have to continue my studies in the United States, whereas she
still stays in Malaysia to further her studies. It was painful to go, but no
can do to stop my studies in the states. I imagined my life here to be full of
friends like how it used to be in Malaysia. But things don’t seem to welcome me
the same way as I thought. Americans are nice, but some people from mainland
China, Hong Kong and other Asian countries are not as welcoming. They always
stick in their group and uses their own language as if that it is their one and
only life support. I really felt left out by others, which makes me extremely
alone here. No one to go out with, no one to spend time with, no one at all. I
always stay at home and chat with my girl thought Skype. She supports me
mentally which definitely helps me a lot. But over time….. I felt more lonely
being with her.
She has a lot of friends there in her new university which
makes me feel unhappy about it. I feel both happy and jealous when someone I
love just have better life than mine. I always feel that I want her to
experience what I experience right now, but of course in a way I don’t want
that to happen. It is impossible for me to tell her that I want her to be alone
as well. She’s mentally weaker in terms of being alone than me, she really needs
someone to be with her. Don’t get me wrong, I want friends as well. It’s that
just I can stand being alone much more than her.
Spending time with her through text is not easy. Even though
I hate the feeling of weights hooked on my eyelids that tells me to sleep, I
always have to wake up 6:30 in the morning just to text her during her night. Sometimes
she replies me fast, but most days now, she replied my very slow. My eyes have
to carry the weight every morning for me to text her. It is really frustrating
sometimes that she doesn’t reply me fast, making me stare at the bright, sun
like phone screen waiting for her replies. Put aside morning texts, it hurts me
slightly when she doesn’t tell me where she’s going. I hate to hear that she’s
suddenly busy with people I don’t know and suddenly go to places without
telling me. I felt like I’m not following her life anymore, which just depress
me even more. Sometimes I even felt like she goes on her life and had forgotten
me. These days I’m really dependent on her, if I don’t chat her long, I don’t
have motivation to do anything. I
understand that she has exam, so sometimes I put the feels aside, but having
exam doesn’t mean she not tell me her plans outing, especially with guys. I’m
extremely easy to get jealous when it comes to her. I wonder if she does take
in account of my feelings when she goes out with guys only.
In addition to slower reply on morning and losing her plan,
she always did something I hate to see. Going out with bunch of guys. No matter
how I see or don’t see it, I always find that disgusting. For her case however,
all her female friends are extremely girly, which makes her feel that she had
been pushed to the side by them. I understand that, but I’m still not happy
imagining my love going out with bunch of guys. I never will ever like it.
I really hate it every time I think about these problems.
Does she feel bad going out with bunch of guys when I don’t like it? For me, if
I were her, I DO. Not need to mention if she’s okay or not with me going out with
bunch of girls, I’m still not going to hang out with girls. It just doesn’t add
up for me. I have her, I ain’t going out with girls. I feel I have a dignity to
hold, whereas for her, I do not know. Sometimes I really want her to understand
how I feel when she hangs out with guys only. Now, What triggered me to write
this long boring and uninteresting essay is because she’s going to go for an
quite a high price event called UTAR BALL 2016, that event held in a beach
resort, and she’s going out with a guy. She told me that this event targets
couples, and there’s of course a couple pricing. They are going to do a lot of
fun activity such as water activities, horse riding and ATV, as well as overnight
one day at the resort. I’m not filled with information such as, if she’s living
together with the guy friend or going to dance with him. No matter what reason
it is or if the lord comes back for his second coming just to tell me that I
must let her go, if she’s going to dance, stay with the guy in same room or
doing any activity that requires the guy to hold or hug her, IT IS A NO, let me
be even more clear, it is an ‘A’ to the DAMN ‘NO’. I know her motivation is
just for friends, but for me on the other hand, I’m not happy no matter what.
If I tell her now that I don’t like her going out with guys, the only reply I
might get is, ‘Who should I friend now then?’. She has female friends, but
always busy, leaving her alone with the guys. It is practically, a no way out….
Doesn’t it sound familiar? Just like war and imbalances of life, there’s no way
out as well. Or maybe... There’s no way
out from it to begin with? No help, no 9-1-1, no rescuer to this life of ours
from imbalanceness. She has her happy life right now and that I can’t change. I’m
stuck here now, no way out, no ways to feel better, not going to feel free from
stress, even if it means being with her.
Leaf being blown by the wind, it sways in the air, ignoring
how far it is blown away from its parent tree. It has no fear of heights nor
distances, as it doesn’t have any one restricting it. Let the cold breeze take
me anywhere the sky, blow me to which every direction this world offers. Take
me anywhere, as there’s no escape.