Today marked the day I successfully gotten my student visa for US. I thought it would be very hard and full of questions, but in the end is quite simple. There's nothing much to talk about it.
Whenever I move from Kuching to Pontianak, my skin always go terribly dry and red. If I apply water, it would feel like the burning pain type of sensation. So, basically a very bad skin condition. Few days ago, I went to a skin doctor and ask her about my skin. She told me Im stressed, that's why I got it.
The thing is, when the doctor asked me about my stress, straight away say out loud, 'Because he has a girlfriend and soon have to leave her'. I admit I feel stress abit whenever I leave her to my home town, but what they have in mind is that, I stress everyday about her. I do love her alot, but I get used to it whenever I go back to my hometown. In summary, I love her alot and misses her as well, but does not get stress from it. My parents always ask me whenever I said that to them,' So what are you stressed about?' I always think of it, what do I get streas from? Where? I also don't know where. But they always assume that I stress because of her. I hate it when people just simply assume, they have to proofs yet just make up stories for themselfs and spread it to people.
I always feel embarrassed whenever my parents say to others that I got stress from missing my girl. And to think about it, I actually got stress from that. Yes, from how my parents always looks and think about me. I never tell them about my story until they asked or when things are obvious. Since young, I really feel that telling love story of mine to them is.... just not right. They way they treat me, always makes me embarrassed of myself. And they always talk about it to people. I wonder if my parents even know me well. Or they just see me as a thing to feed and grow for future income. Who knows.
My parents always gives me advices that I already know. For instance, an example that happened a few months ago. She told me,'Why not you go to US, and if your girl really loves you, she'll follow you there.' That statement, is indeed the plan from the very beginning between me and my girl for many months already. We already have that exact plan, but when I told her that what she said is indeed what is planned already, she doesn't believe. What a good mommy for not believing their child. Just because he looks very young and straight away assume my mind is still very immature. Always see me as someone who is unprepared for everything. Always say im not ready for many things, always ONLY share the bad story of mine. Wonder why I always act so slow and seem to be immature infront of them? It's because they look down at me so much for many years until I really feel useless. Probably they would say that im talking shit cause I'm immature, making those kind of statements. I let them say anything, I don't care anymore. Go compare me to anyone else, I'll just sit and glare.
Just few hours ago, I had lunch with family, aunt , grandma and causins. My causin get food for her mom (my aunt) and my daddy saw what she did. Straight away say out loud to me, 'Look, be like her'. I dont mind if im sitting next to him, but I was literally sitting at the other side of the round table. I didn't say a word. Everyone hears what he said. This is not teaching, this is humiliating me. Is this the way how parent teach their kids? Plus, Im freaking 19, yet talk to me like that as if im still 10. It's just embarrassing for me......
So the next shit is, after we ate, my mom went to my causin that I always got compared to and told him 'You have to teach him how to date you know, you know why he applied for January Class? Its because he have a girlfriend~ See, because of that he slows down his studies for 3 months. And you, you have to listen to causin becuase he is more experienced than you.'
Thats what she told my causin straightforwardly. Now im pretty sure they all know why I stayed. Everyone in family sees me as nothing, now they see me even more shit, because of my choice. Im so proud mom, of trying to teach me by telling people the one sided story of mine. GOOD JOB! HERE CLAPS FROM ME! One note: the people here are like, if you do something for love before or during studies, means you are someone who is futureless to them.
Great Job , for sharing all your assumptions to people. I feel like, I no longer have the gut to see them, my pride isn't very strong to begin with, but recently I communicate with them more. And now, thank you mom for making me not being able to talk and express my feeling the same way again. Im easily got myself feel down just because of how people look at me. I dont like people who looks down at me just because of the one side story they know. Why dont I tell them the other side of my story? Cause they dont care anymore, if they feel you are bad, means you are, fulls to the stop.
I really am surprised for my mom telling my story to people like that. Making them only think one sided about me. How about my good side? Dont have? What about an example of my results of grade 5 theory and practical exam? I have them both in Distinction. How about the other stories where my results, I exceled from D to A? Not good as well? I am fucking useless in your minds? Am I really that bad? I never accomplish anything in my life? I dont have ambition? I have no future plan? I never think far?
....................
I'll just let them think to what they want. Now I dont feel anything. No shame, not sad, not anything. I really feel like I have lost myself, because everyone sees me very bad already. They all think I cant survive without my girl there. My parents always say that I would cry very badly when I leave to US. The question is..... So? I'm a human, I cry when sad, smiles when happy. Every hero cries once or twice in their life. Who in this world can't cry? So what about cry? Does it mean we are weak? Does it mean we are soft? Why not letting sadness out by tears? Why is the society im living in always looks down at people who cries? Fuck the societies. I see the society now as ' People who aren't open minded, only stay in their bubbles, not wanting to explore the outside.'
When the societies see something they cant get used to, they complains. Bunch of bastards. It is those type why this world is going worst and worst. No one wants to try atleast think like how others think. With the excuse of 'its impossible.'.
Each of us is different, thats what makes this world colourful. Ofcourse I dont compliment the people who are murderous and those who sees other people as just a tool. did you know, If you are in me, you'd do the same thing I have been doing until today, why? Simple, cause you are me. you experience what i experience. imagine you transfer your conciousness to me, leaving your memories in your original body,and wakes up in my body with my memories. you'll definitely think that nothing has happened, days are going the same way. That is a very simple fact that everyone knows if you tell them. But , do they even know what it actually means? That statement is actually for those people who always judges other people for being not open minded. They can say ,'Ofcourse if I were you I would..........and I wouldn't do what u did because. ........... and if you were me, you would understand'. That is the example of a reply from a person who isnt open minded at all. Because they actually uses their own perspective to prove that you are wrong at being youself. But in actual fact, the things that happened, happen to you, not him/her.Why would she or he should tell you what to do when you are being yourself? what would help? Its better off telling a person like, 'Next time, you do It like............ and not like...........' from there people will learn properly.Not by comparisons to his or her way of thinking.Stop comparing people when you are not and a NEVER will be a perfect person. Many people who are not open minded always say that they are open minded. But their meaning of being 'open minded' is basically means 'think like how I think'.Who could think excatly like how others think 100%? Usually people who knows only one or two or three sides of a person straights away assume that he or she knows that person 100%, whereas he or she barely knows that person. And if conflicts happened between them, he or she would just simply say stuff that he or she assumed of the other person. And thats... what usually immature fights are really like.
That's all to it now.... This blog is really just about me letting my angers and frusts out about how my parents treat me and their way of teaching me.I feel like a fucking useless person. Go ahead and think of me as anything. As long as you are not those who are always trapped in their bubbles.