From my soul

Today marked the day I successfully gotten my student visa for US. I thought it would be very hard and full of questions,  but in the end is quite simple. There's nothing much to talk about it.

Whenever I move from Kuching to Pontianak, my skin always go terribly dry and red. If I apply water, it would feel like the burning pain type of sensation. So, basically a very bad skin condition. Few days ago, I went to a skin doctor and ask her about my skin. She told me Im stressed, that's why I got it.

The thing is, when the doctor asked me about my stress, straight away say out loud, 'Because he has a girlfriend and soon have to leave her'. I admit I feel stress abit whenever I leave her to my home town,  but what they have in mind is that, I stress everyday about her. I do love her alot, but I get used to it whenever I go back to my hometown. In summary, I love her alot and misses her as well, but does not get stress from it. My parents always ask me whenever I said that to them,' So what are you stressed about?' I always think of it, what do I get streas from? Where? I also don't know where. But they always assume that I stress because of her. I hate it when people just simply assume, they have to proofs yet just make up stories for themselfs and spread it to people.

I always feel embarrassed whenever my parents say to others that I got stress from missing my girl. And to think about it, I actually got stress from that. Yes, from how my parents always looks and think about me. I never tell them about my story until they asked or when things are obvious. Since young, I really feel that telling love story of mine to them is.... just not right. They way they treat me, always makes me embarrassed of myself. And they always talk about it to people. I wonder if my parents even know me well. Or they just see me as a thing to feed and grow for future income. Who knows.

My parents always gives me advices that I already know. For instance,  an example that happened a few months ago. She told me,'Why not you go to US, and if your girl really loves you, she'll follow you there.' That statement, is indeed the plan from the very beginning between me and my girl for many months already.  We already have that exact plan, but when I told her that what she said is indeed what is planned already, she doesn't believe. What a good mommy for not believing their child. Just because he looks very young and straight away assume my mind is still very immature. Always see me as someone who is unprepared for everything.  Always say im not ready for many things,  always ONLY share the bad story of mine. Wonder why I always act so slow and seem to be immature infront of them? It's because they look down at me so much for many years until I really feel useless. Probably they would say that im talking shit cause I'm immature, making those kind of statements. I let them say anything, I don't care anymore. Go compare me to anyone else, I'll just sit and glare. 

Just few hours ago, I had lunch with family, aunt , grandma and causins. My causin get food for her mom (my aunt) and my daddy saw what she did. Straight away say out loud to me, 'Look, be like her'. I dont mind if im sitting next to him, but I was literally sitting at the other side of the round table. I didn't say a word. Everyone hears what he said. This is not teaching, this is humiliating me. Is this the way how parent teach their kids? Plus, Im freaking 19, yet talk to me like that as if im still 10. It's just embarrassing for me......

So the next shit is, after we ate, my mom went to my causin that I always got compared to and told him 'You have to teach him how to date you know, you know why he applied for January Class? Its because he have a girlfriend~ See, because of that he slows down his studies for 3 months. And you, you have to listen to causin becuase he is more experienced than you.'

Thats what she told my causin straightforwardly. Now im pretty sure they all know why I stayed. Everyone in family sees me as nothing, now they see me even more shit, because of my choice. Im so proud mom, of trying to teach me by telling people the one sided story of mine. GOOD JOB! HERE CLAPS FROM ME! One note: the people here are like, if you do something for love before or during studies, means you are someone who is futureless to them.

Great Job , for sharing all your assumptions to people. I feel like, I no longer have the gut to see them, my pride isn't very strong to begin with, but recently I communicate with them more. And now, thank you mom for making me not being able to talk and express my feeling the same way again. Im easily got myself feel down just because of how people look at me. I dont like people who looks down at me just because of the one side story they know. Why dont I tell them the other side of my story? Cause they dont care anymore, if they feel you are bad, means you are, fulls to the stop.

I really am surprised for my mom telling my story to people like that. Making them only think one sided about me. How about my good side? Dont have? What about an example of my results of grade 5 theory and practical exam? I have them both in Distinction. How about the other stories where my results, I exceled from D to A? Not good as well? I am fucking useless in your minds? Am I really that bad? I never accomplish anything in my life? I dont have ambition?  I have no future plan? I never think far? 

....................

I'll just let them think to what they want. Now I dont feel anything. No shame, not sad, not anything. I really feel like I have lost myself, because everyone sees me very bad already. They all think I cant survive without my girl there. My parents always say that I would cry very badly when I leave to US. The question is..... So? I'm a human, I cry when sad, smiles when happy. Every hero cries once or twice in their life. Who in this world can't cry? So what about cry? Does it mean we are weak? Does it mean we are soft? Why not letting sadness out by tears? Why is the society im living in always looks down at people who cries? Fuck the societies. I see the society now as ' People who aren't open minded,  only stay in their bubbles, not wanting to explore the outside.'

When the societies see something they cant get used to, they complains. Bunch of bastards. It is those type why this world is going worst and worst. No one wants to try atleast think like how others think. With the excuse of 'its impossible.'.

Each of us is different,  thats what makes this world colourful. Ofcourse I dont compliment the people who are murderous and those who sees other people as just a tool. did you know, If you are in me, you'd do the same thing I have been doing until today, why? Simple, cause you are me. you experience what i experience. imagine you transfer your conciousness to me, leaving your memories in your original body,and wakes up in my body with my memories.  you'll definitely think that nothing has happened, days are going the same way. That is a very simple fact that everyone knows if you tell them. But , do they even know what it actually means? That statement is actually for those people who always judges other people for being not open minded. They can say ,'Ofcourse if I were you I would..........and I wouldn't do what u did because. ........... and if you were me, you would understand'. That is the example of a reply from a person who isnt open minded at all. Because they actually uses their own perspective to prove that you are wrong at being youself. But in actual fact, the things that happened,  happen to you, not him/her.Why would she or he should tell you what to do when you are being yourself? what would help? Its better off telling a person like,  'Next time, you do It like............ and not like...........' from there people will learn properly.Not by comparisons to his or her way of thinking.Stop comparing people when you are not and a NEVER will be a perfect person.   Many people who are not open minded always say that they are open minded. But their meaning of being 'open minded' is basically means 'think like how I think'.Who could think excatly like how others think 100%? Usually people who knows only one or two or three sides of a person straights away assume that he or she knows that person 100%, whereas he or she barely knows that person. And if conflicts happened between them, he or she would just simply say stuff that he or she assumed of the other person. And thats... what usually immature fights are really like.

That's all to it now.... This blog is really just about me letting my angers and frusts out about how my parents treat me and their way of teaching me.I feel like a fucking useless person. Go ahead and think of me as anything. As long as you are not those who are always trapped in their bubbles.

Thunder strikes at a Carved Happy Pumpkin

A guy is having a beautiful day, who say he won't get struck by thunder in the end.

Passed down to you by Tommy, damned boy with a bad past.

Let's recall back about the girl in the previous blog. She was an innocent little girl who enjoys watching drama and normal stuffs that can be done at home. After this 'snake' came in to her life, let's name the snake 'Karen' and introduce her to alcohol, then damn, her old self died. From that day onwards, her only way of life is drinking and drinking. Stress? Drink alcohol. If not stress, 'Drink alcohol'.

2 years later....

I was browsing through her  blog.... I saw this thing about 'Things she will miss', her routines basically. And guess what? She smoke shisha.... Something that i never expect from her. Like which nice girl who can get good results do such thing? Such a bad image of her. I don't mind seeing people smoking shisha. Just..... seeing her doing such thing is too...... humiliating.

That is just the beginning. Guess what? Just recently I have found out.... she smokes cigarettes.

Of course i was like 'WHAT THE FUCK?'

I don't know what to say no more. She studies less than others, does things like these, yet her results are so good. What kind of luck is that? She can do what ever thing she wants to do and she also can get her results extremely good as well. Her life, no financial problems. She can buy what ever she wants as long her parents like it. Her social life is also great, can make friends and others easily. Compare to others, she really have such as nice life. I know one of my friend that studies for many hours, yet can't get as high result as hers. Even lower than mine actually... Since long ago, she is always few steps above me. Like if i have something great, she always have it as well, but greater than mine.

All I wanna say is just..... she had a perfect life. And her sadness is just cause by something that she doesn't wanna change. She doesn't believe me if she read this, but i know. I have been watching her for years and know her stories. I wanted to help her before.... but she rejected me. Who know? It's a chance that she could get, but she rejects it.

I always think  bad stuff will happen to her, but it never happen. Instead, things just go the total opposite. So, I gave up thinking that she will go down. Surely she is the person that can get good result in her university, get good job offer due to her nice personality and results, she have a good life with a good men. She also won't experience any danger from getting so drunk in the bar, she will be safe the whole entire life...... That's.... just what i think now.... I have nothing anymore about her... Wish her good luck.... And farewell.... Enjoy your next life in Hong Kong.

Now... Why am I talking about her all of the sudden? Right now I'm in Jakarta, Java Island, located at the south of Borneo island. Far away from Kuching where my lover is at. And right now, she is going to bar with her sister and friends. Which always reminds me of that girl.....


I told her that I hate people close to me going to bar. She knows, yet she still going there. But her main point is to look around there and decide if she wants to work there. When she told me she wants to work there, I really actually got shocked. real shock. Like right now, still having numb feet. I don't feel like doing things right now. I simply lost all my mood, i went to facebook to check stuff, but didn't even care to look at what people tagged me at....even hers...That's how much i lost myself right now. The figure of myself in my mind is literally covered in darkness, just like me and the girl in previous blog. When she told me she's going to go there, I feel like crushing my phone with bare hand and when I read properly she's going to drink, I really have the intention to throw my phone across the room. That is how mad I am at that time. No kidding, I have seen what drinking could lead to, and how people can get influenced into this. Even thought i know she won't get into this, I still don't like it. I have no idea about this..... I mean, I can't stop her from working. She wants to work, but many places requires mandarin except for that place. I shall repeat myself, I REALLY DO NOT want her to work there. What if something happens to her? Like right now, I'm so fucking far off from her, if something happens, I will be blaming myself for the rest of my life. Even if I'm there in Kuching, I'm pretty sure my mother won't allow me to go out with her till late night. Atleast I can straight away see her if something happens to her  there eventhough I'm not allowed to follow her. But right now? I may still have to stay 3 week more, 3 WEEKS MORE, then I can see her. Thinking about this really make me stressed out again. At the same time, reminds me the stress I had before with the girl before.

Right now I'm super sleepy, I'm not sure if i told her already. I even felt like sleeping on the chair while waiting for my aunt to finish her work at 2 in the afternoon. Actually at 11 in morning I already can't stand opening my eyes. THAT IS HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM TODAY.  I always wait for her to reach home before sleep. Now I gotta stay up late for this. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up early again and my tiredness today will be repeated again tomorrow.....

I lost myself right now... Stop her from working there? But where should she work then?............

Look, she's going back now, at 10:11 pm not too bad..... Also got rejected from her work since they searching for a permanent worker now. Not gonna be happy yet. Maybe this will make me happy for while only. Who knows suddenly they changed their mind and accept her? Or she finds another smiliar place to work at?  That is exactly what a carved happy pumpkin being struck by thunder.

1/7 Deadly Sins

It's been 5 months and 3 days. 

Everything is still alright, no weakness, no hates and basically nothing negative yet occurs between us.

Just a short one right now as I don't really have much time. 

Talking about specialty. People wants to give others something special, something that they won't give to another person. For example if I give you A, you won't expect me to give anyone else A. Talking about my girl. She gave her best friend this list called 54 reason why she loves her. If you ask me, I definitely want to have that as well from her. Just a few minutes ago I asked her for that. And yes she said that that is what she gave her and it's unique for her, and therefore in my whole entire life I won't ever get that from her. 

Well for me that sounds.... great, as you really respect that one person. Imagine someone gives that same thing you give to some else before, the special feeling is just not... there. I mean, it does apply for me...  ONLY in certain condition... 

I can't argue much, as the friend that she gave to really did save her from her sadness before I came in the scene. But right now, I just feel... not satisfied? not sure if that is the word. Dissapointed? No, that is too deep. Maybe I'm just jealous. 

Jealous... yes that's the word. I just feel... jealous. Like her friend has it and I don't have.

When it comes to relationship, many parts of my just don't apply. I want everything from her. When it is everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING. Literally. I became really selfish when it comes to this. I would give her anything she wants if she ask, of course the ridiculous things I won't do.  

I really don't know myself sometimes, but thinking about this just makes me more jealous and that I get more mad. Yes I am mad right now, at myself.

Letter 1

8/3/15

Dear Joan,

                 It's 2:37 pm now. It's been 3 months and 6 days... And so far, I don't find any problems being in relationship with you. We love each other, we care for each other, is something that I thought I'd never be able to have before. Since day one, I've always been guiding myself when ever it comes to you, controlling myself from getting into the wrong path, and that I believe I can make you happy, no matter where you are and the time. You have turned me into someone that I have never expected to be .For example, I no longer have the dislike of my appearance. Getting up in the morning, look into the mirror, smile and look forward for the day really did the job. Right now, even I want to say more about making you happy... but.. I guess I can't.

                 Today, is the day before the sale. You have been working more than the others. You constantly remind the others to do their work, whereas me.... 'The President' do lesser job than you. Currently I'm really really embarrassed of myself. I can tell that you are not happy with me, and that you are kind of mad with me. It is my fault for being a crappy leader... I thought I can do it with no imbalance of work in the group.. I guess I don't have what it takes to be one. I'm really sorry to cause you all these troubles. These things should actually be done by me, instead you do it for me. I don't know if sorry is enough to cover that up.. I guess today.. not gonna try to initiate any text to you.. I don't want to cause any unnecessary problems right now, as I really  have been causing you too much troubles already.

                 Right now. I really don't know if I have been giving you more sadness than happiness. Whenever it comes to the topic of me going somewhere far to study, you're always sad.. I too feel very sad about it.. It's just more sad for me to see you depress. Making you happy is what I look for., but if i add up everything, I feel like I have been causing you more troubles..

                 Joan. I really really love you and that, I REALLY want to always be by your side, no matter where you go. What ever I say to you about the future, like living together with you, is not a laughing matter and that I'm serious about it. You've been making me happier every single day and that I can't thank you enough for that. That's why I would rather hurt myself, than to ever make you cry.

                By the time you read this letter, I think I may have create more troubles to you. I really hope you can forgive me for all the problems I have caused you... I really hope you do forgive me..No matter how long it takes.. I'll just wait for it as I'm the one who causes all of them....
                 

Ascending

It's been 2 months and 10 days.

So far, she still loves me, and I still love her. She always tell me that she loves me very much, almost everyday, which I'm very happy about. She always set my soul on fire. It is not just a little spark, it is a flame. A big and roaring flame...

These days, my school really experience shits, most of them relates to my class and the new juniors. I won't be talking about them, as they are really useless for me. What it matters now is that, some weird lady in a black BMW stops infront of our school and take picture of students coming out for lunch in the opposite food court. What the fuck is the lady doing?? What I really worried the most is that she is helping 'someone' to take picture and decide who to kidnap. And I really worry about the most is my girl of course. She usually across the road with 2-3 friends that are girls only. I'm not trying to discriminate females for their strength, but still, if something like kidnapping happened to them, what can they possibly do? By the time others reach their destination, they will be... gone....

I have enough of losing people that is close to me, and I'm not gonna lose another one, ESPECIALLY this one. I can't tell my girl to stop going out with her friends... Though she always go in a group of 5 or more, still... I really feel like I should be by her side all the time... But that would me to take her freedom with friends away.... So should I do something about this?..

I'm the type to prevent everything,do anything to prevent future regrets.If I don't want to wait until something happens and in the end regrets it, hoping that I can move back in time and stop everything. I take today as my future, means I take today as if I have gone back in time from future, and therefore, I must prevent shits from happening. So it's more a like... I want to do something about this... Which... would in result.. make her hate me.... I don't want that to happen... What I want is just to keep her safe...

Just like daughter/son and father. I can't trap her in my arms and tell her I should be by her side, everywhere she go.

I told her that I prefer her to be in groups of 5 or more.. And she said 'we'll see about it.' See? What is there to see? I mean like... I really love her and I want her to be with me forever. I really don't want to let her face the chance of getting into this mess. Even if the chance that this would happen is 0.0001%, I still would not allow her.... But I want her to be with her friends as well... I want to be by her side every time, but I believe it would really weaken her friendship bond with others....

I'm really very selfish..... I just want her to be by my side every time now... I wonder where this is taking me... Is this... just another trap in my life? Oh my lord.... I really hope nothing happens between me and her..

Ascending  

-

Life of A2 is quite expected, real hard, real shit... and etc. This week my results from last year AS exam will be announced to me and.... I really feel like I'm gonna be extremely depressed about it.... My Chemistry.. I really don't know about it... just answer everything without knowing if it is correct or not. My Biology... Quite fucked up. There is this one question where the teacher did not write in notes for us... And Im so stupid for just studied the notes only.... Maths.... Oh my.... I feel there is lots of careless, and also the statistic... very bad.... For Geography... I can tell my last question consisting 25 marks will be cancelled due to out of point... DAMN!

Put my exam aside... really frustrating. Now about her...

Our relationship have been growing up and gets stronger everyday. We don't really have much problem in school. We do have some. But we took care of it. Now... I really feel like I have been making her depress quite alot due to my fault.... She cried few times for me.. What kind of a guy I am? I'm pretty sure u audiences who are single may be think 'I should have her instead of you!' Well it's quite obvious that you would say that. But I will never let her go. She's mine and shut up.

The way I made her cry was like... She told me once that me and her may not last long. I was like 'Wadafaq?' Why would she say that to me? It is really.. really a depressing thing to hear from her.That night, she knows that I was quite mad at her. She even lose focus driving and scratched a pillar when parking. The next day, I really felt like... Why? Why did she say that? Why would she say that? Why should I date someone when she is not thinking positive and said that we are not going to love each other for long time? So what's the point then if things are going to be like that? So I wrote in my whatsapp status 'How could you say that?' She saw it, and asked me why. Then she told me that she really felt so depress of herself, for saying something like that. She even said she would scratch her car over ten times and she wouldn't feel that sad. I felt really bad as a guy, so I called her. She was crying then. Then I told her my story about the girl in the previous blog. I called her until she felt better.

Im such a jerk.

Some other times... is because I was in my hometown. She missed me and cried a little when I called her...

See....

Even today I tried to joke around with her, but then she took it seriously... and right now, I seems to have annoyed her to much..... I really should go back to where I never do such thing.... I just getting more and more worst. I really have to stop and think before do anything.

If one day 'YOU' read this again.... Perhaps you made her so mad or sad because you have changed. Maybe you don't love her anymore? Maybe due to stress? Maybe you like someone else?

But listen. This is 'YOU' before. If these words doesn't make sense to you, mean you probably have killed your own self from the past.

To 'YOU' in future.

Joan, she is really a nice person. She made you checked all the criteria of what type of girl you want. She really cares about you, she cries for you, she doesn't want your money, she is not the popular girls you hate, she is just the girl that you never want to leave. She had a sad past during her form 4, just like you. You really got depressed before remember? Being with the girl from the previous blog? She set you free from all of those sad memories. And you did the same for her. What she wants is you and your guidance. She let you do lots of things she won't let others do. I really hope you remember that girls like her is pretty hard to find. You may like someone else now. But remember, you may have liked someone who is like the girl on the previous blog. See, you have a girl now, WHY YOU NEED TO GO FOR SOMEONE ELSE? You should remember that you tried hard to get her, don't be a person who does not appreciate anyone! You should take time to think. Do not simply make a very quick decision just because you are desperate, remember, you always fail in this. If you can, right now, apologize to her if it is needed. Don't go all immature. I'm you in the past, where my mind is most stable at. You really have changed do you? If you really did come and seek  for this. Now go. Go, love Joan. If possible, forever. She's your real angel.

First Time Together

To you 3 days ago.

On the 5th of December, I went back to my beloved hometown, where I always go to relax myself and forget about all the problems I have. The house I lived in there, is very noisy, because it's just right beside an ice factory and a busy harbor. Believe it or not, I like it there. Even with all the noises. It's really relaxing. The view of my hometown's river is really splendid. Every sunset, I just have to take a picture. Nothing can beat it's beauty (except my girl). It is really good for me to stay there once in a while. I have no neighbors, so I have no problem playing music loudly at night. Really relaxing... It's even better if my girl is there. So I went back to where i study now 3 days ago. I was really homesick. But now I'm alright. So, remember, do visit hometown if possible.

To you 3 days ago.

19th  of December 2014 marked my first day of lower rectum bleed. When I shit yesterday morning, I was fucking shocked to see my shit. I was like 'ow shit, my shit has blood stain on it'. I ran down to my mom, telling her my shit was bloody. She went up to where I shit, and take a look at my shit. She wasn't surprised. She have that too, lower rectum bleed. She said it was alright,but I was still trembled with fear. I must avoid fatty foods, spicy things and must drink lots of water, if not I'll shit blood again. Haih. Luckily today,  my shit was normal. If not, I have to report this to a doctor and check my rectum. Damn.

19th of December 2014, marked the day I for my first kiss.

It was mind blowing.

So this happened yesterday. I went out with her at Cityone, to watch this Mummy film in cinema. I met her around 12 15 and our movie was at 4 35. That whole time, we walked around the place, having romantic time together. The movie was spooky. But I rated it 6.485. After we watched, we went for dinner at a food court. Nothing happen so far. After that, we went to Bings! to relax.

Most of the time, I hugged her while she lay on me. I really enjoy that moment. Just there talking about things. We even can tell that the bartender really fed up of seeing us together like that. Who cares.

So then, here's the thing. I see her using some lip bum and lipstick. And I asked her,'I wonder what does it taste like', while looking at her lips. She said' You want to try?'. I didn't say anything then. Then, after a few minutes, I asked her 'Do you know what's on my head?' She said 'No'. I was thinking of telling her again of how much I like her. But I guess she got the wrong message.

She replied with the same answer whenever I asked her that question. Until this one time she asked me,'Does it start with a k?'

And I'm like... 'No?..' But then I was happy that she thinks about that. And I asked her if she would want to try, cause it's her first time. She said,' I don't mind losing mine to you'. And I told her the same thing. Then after that, she did things to make me fall into temptation of kissing her.

After a few minutes, she took of her glasses and want me n her to go for it. My mind was on jumbled up, I don't know what to do. I ask me to go for it and I kept on evading it cause I'm just a pussy. This happened untill she kisses me. It was a short one. I didn't even feel anything. Did i kissed her lips? And then, I asked her if she would give me another one. She was alright if it and this time, even longer.

I can feel her tongue, her teeth and our saliva mix around together till it leaked out a bit. Her lips are soft and have the flavor of the lip bum and lipstick she used. I was burning inside. It kills me too, for my first time kiss.After we let go, she told me I was going to fast... but... i was just following her pace. Then all of that ended with more curiosity. did we really kiss properly?

Now, she seems like she wants me to go again for her. I don't think I can resist this time. But still... My guts always run away at this moment.

First Time Together