2 days ago, 2nd December 2014, marked the day that this girl from this blog says that she really likes me and wants me to be her lover. Pretty sweet confession.
So it was started on the day we went out for movies. Everything was okay. We held hands during show. But things just to get more deeper when we held hands when walking together after show.
She wanted to take a photo of me together with her. And I always say 'No'. That's just me. I'm no demon or anything, I just never have confident in my face. I'm okay with group photo, but not with one person only or selfie. This time she insisted me to take a picture with her.
I asked her 'Give me a reason why.' Then she said that the reason would kill her or something similar to that. When she said it, I already have her reason in my head, but im not 100% certain at that time. We sat down on a large bench? Im not really sure how to call it. And we held hands, starring at a large artificial tree with snow decoration and etc on it. She said she wanted to say something serious. I was really troubled... I know what she wanted to say. First she asked me.
'Why do you hold hands with me?'
That 7 words was like 7 nukes exploded on my head. I never expected her to ask me such question and I have no other answer except because I like her, that's why I let her hold my hands...
I wanted to say that I love her, but the memory with the girl on previous blog really held me with a gigantic chain that I made me can't say anything and also almost triggered me to run away from her. Literally run away from her. She looked at my face and asked me her second question.
'You can read my expression right?'
I can tell that she's telling me that she likes me and knows that I like her too...But I was to fucked up with my memory that made me couldn't answer her. I want to say something, but my corrupted brain kept on telling me that what I'm thinking about that time was wrong..... I kept on thinking that she likes me, but my brains says 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO SHE DOESN'T!!!!!!!' That is also the reason why my balls were on holiday when I need it to confess my feelings.
I acted all stupid at that moment. I made her said it in the end. My mind was really in mess, even more messy than the sunken Titanic's kitchen. I really lost my dignity there. I should have been the one who said it.... Not her.... I apologized to her straight away after that... But I feel like I want to ask for an apology again... It's like...it's the man's job to say it to a girl right? I really lost myself back there. It was like... a dream come true.
She said she want me to be her lover... Which, I googled the meaning for that... And also she wants to get together with me, deepen our relationship slowly. Which I'm happy with that. After that, we took a picture together... The a picture of that day, will remind us of that day.
I am finally happy? After getting someone I love?....
I don't want to be selfish, but Im not convinced in somethings. I guess it's the effect of slow relationship.
I do wonder if I keep on the same pace, will she still like me? Will she love me for long time? Or one day she'll realize that it's just the feeling of being with some that can help her to forget the past and that she actually doesn't like me at all, which is just like the story she told me about. Her story is down below, cause I don't think it suits being in this paragraph. There are things I still wonder about. Will this feeling be with me until the end? I bet new questions will appear one by one again as I go along with her.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get things straight with her. I just need to ask few things with her. She may have to problem at all, and I have problems. I just need to adjust my feelings. My feelings are the exactly the same with my ex when we were still together. She always says 'Love you' at the end of the conversation, and she always show her love towards me every time during chat,which really makes me feels being loved to the max, while my current one doesn't. Actually I don't blame her for that, cause we are still doing things slowly, which I really prefer than doing things fast. But if you ask me, I still feel like.. still not having a lover. Not sure if it's because of that or I still don't belief that I really really have her now. I tell you, it's really like a dream, when your crush likes you to. Especially for the people who keep on thinking negative, like me. I hope it's actually because she has been treating me as her lover since the beginning, and I too treat her as my lover for a long time until i really get used to it, which is the reason why I felt like...there's no difference between me and her currently. I didn't say she's wrong, I'm the one who is wrong and I need to see things different.
But after typing this 'diary', I feel better. It's like I solved my own problem. You really gotta try writing out your problems too, really helps. To think about my girl, she's quite pure, first time in this relationship and she's unlike the other girls. I'm really happy right now to think that I have her as my girl. I hope I won't make any mistake that will corrupt her. Girls changes fast and I know that.
What I have now is just the beginning, to a larger story. And I'm prepared to change for a better future.
Her Story:
When she was still in high school, she was depressed by something which I don't know yet. Came this guy who fill her sadness with joy. She thought that she liked him for that, but in actual fact, she just see him as a guy who make her happy only. Not as someone she likes.
That's the story of hers. But what I have been doing with her was also the same as what that guy did to her, which is to fill her sad past with joy. And that's why I mentioned that on the paragraph above. What if she thought that she likes me, but in actual fact, she doesn't? That's my worry now.
Epilogue of an Opera