It feels like I didn't talk to her for decades, even though it was just 3-4 months. Time flies ever since that day. But, it's not something i want to remember.
Today she was sick and didn't manage to show up at school. I didn't like it nor hate it. It's just... I wonder what she caught.
So I texted her at evening asking if she's alright. Her reply was simply as if that our friendship was like back then. Isn't it too obvious that I have been ignoring her for months? What I want from her was actually to hate me, not treating me the same.
No matter what happen for now, I won't got back to the friendship we had before. That is one thing that I've decided so far. Who would want to be friend with the person that you like and you know at the same time that you won't be able get that person. Or maybe I have not yet reach a certain stage.
Besides, eventhough the texting just now was short, I really really had a hard time.
First of, I hate her. Who would want to text with someone that says 'i know you can find someone better that me.' to you. THAT sentence from her literally means 'i'm trying to get rid of you... in a friendly way.'
Second of, I like her. Who would not want to text with someone he/she likes? But due to the first reason, the second reason becomes a conflict in my head. Which leads to me hating myself more and regret texting her.
There are just so many things I can point out that she's trying to get rid of me gently. I really really really prefer her to go straight into my face and start telling me to get and life and leave her alone. That would end every single thing.
Last Saturday i went out with some people. She was there too. The way she tried to communicate to me (which I i purposely ignore ) is really as if that we are still having the same friendship. Actually that day, i thought she would not ask me anything, but she tried.. I was the one with horns that day.
But it's for the best.. For both of us. She seems to be doing well currently, and so do I (at least better than the 2 years tragedy).
Now what I want is for her not to see me as friend anymore. Should i just say fuck off? It will be really effective if I say that in her face. BUT I'm not that asshole to do such thing. There's got a way... I can just tell her to avoid me, but it's kind of weird telling such thing to someone that you didn't communicate with for months due to problems. I would be fossilized if I were to wait for her to ask me about our current friendship.
Things would be very easy if we can rub off our memory. But that only can be done in far future. Such a past we have... dark..past.. A dark past... that I want it to happen again... but.... I don't want it to happen again.
-Indmenticable Past-